Here it is. 31st of December. Last day of 2010. What happened?! Another year went away. Did I learn something? Absolutely. How to stand my ground, how to suppress tears, how to smile wider. I've learned that stubborness is a great strength, friendship can survive through hell, nerves are precious, life-saving threads which I must not waste in vain, that people come and go, but some will always stay. Did I meet new ones? Yes. Weak ones, depressed ones, sad ones, strong ones, weird ones. I don't regret no one. I said "goodbye" to many of them, but I also said "Hi" to some. What did I feel? All emotions possible. I grew up a little more. I changed the way I look. I changed fear into bravery. I changed weakness into stubborn strength. I just changed. Change is something I like. Change is good; it's dinamic, which means life. Static is lack of progress, which means death. I wanna live.
Okay, 2011, show me what you got. If not, I'm taking it myself without even asking. I'm taking that change. My way, or no way at all. :)
1. My paycheck ^^ 2. My baby! :* 3. The strenght to do so many things simultaneously 4. NOT giving up 5. The music! 6. The sun!!! 7. My mother's voice. Thank you, God, for letting me hear her and know ahe's fine! 8. The next two days are off work 9. Seeing people smiling! 10. My nice colleagues
1. Not giving up NO MATTER WHAT 2. My satisfaction from having the chance to talk to my baby 3. Time is literally melting away! 4. I work!!! 5. The new project I'm working on 6. The family support 7. The rain 8. My education - present and future 9. The chance to communicate with so many and so different people at my workplace 10. The new skills I've gained so far
1. My ability to rule time! :) 2. My new job :) 3. My Teddy Bear :) 4. Making my mom happy :) 5. The rest I managed to have... finally! *whew* 6. The coffee I'm still about to have :) 7. Lady Luck / Mother Universe for their ultimate support ALWAYS; I love you guys! 8. The opportunity to sing :) 9. Myself! 10. That little funny ladybug I found in my corridor :)
1. My "hidden" ability to balance between things; 2. The job interview 3. The love I'm surrounded by 4. My coffee (I think I should have put it first! :D ) 5. Goranka 6. My dearest and closest friends 7. Thank you, Mom!!! 8. I love you, sis! 9. The power of the will 10. The ability to smash my enemies (OK, this one was pretty ominous! :D)
"People always leave". It's a phrase that has never been relevant to me, until now. My friends left. I'm gonna leave soon, too. We've all been afraid of this moment, and though we have our phone numbers, our Internet accounts and all, we appear to miss out everything we used to share together. It's sad. Iv said it, "We keep in touch, but we're not right next to each other every single day, to see and experience the things important to each one of us. And I'm so very sorry guys I haven't been here for such a long time, I'm sorry about not returning soon, either". Asya. She's gone for a month and a half. By the time she comes back, I won't be here. Crossroads. We bump into each other so rarely now. But doesn't matter. Knowing that I'm on their mind, like they're on mine, at least once a day, is my only hope.
If I should die this very moment I wouldn't fear for I've never known completeness like being here wrapped in the warmth of you loving every breath of you still my heart this moment oh it might burst
could we stay right here till the end of time until the earth stops turning wanna love you until the seas run dry I've found the one I've waited for
all this time I've loved you and never known your face all this time I've missed you and searched this human race here is true peace here my heart knows calm safe in your soul bathed in your sighs wanna stay right here till the end of time till the earth stops turning gonna love you until the seas run dry I've found the one I've waited for
the one I've waited for
all I've known all I've done all I've felt was leading to this all I've known all I've done all I've felt was leading to this
wanna stay right here till the end of time till the earth stops turning gonna love you till the seas run dry I've found the one I've waited for
the one I've waited for the one I've waited for
wanna stay right here till the end of time 'till the earth stops turning gonna love you till the seas run dry I've found the one I've waited for
the one I've waited for the one I've waited for...
Today I'm grateful for: ~~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~~~ 1. Not giving up 2. The fulfilling lazyness this day provided 3. My morning cup of coffee 4. Finding I have comments on my blog (my first ones!!! ^_^ ) 5. The Inspiration 6. The House M.D. series 7. An ice-cream calming my body and temperature down (it was a horribly hot noon!!!) 8. My energy to DREAM 9. Finally mastering the skill to wake up early and quickly organize my day 10. My bunny pet understanding me when I say, "I love you, Sunshine!", and it gives it back with a sweet kiss!:)))
*Bonus" 11. The interesting and useful conversations I had with my mother about the business
I've been having this idea of making collages from magazine pictures and colour paper long before I learned there was actually a word for it, and it was "dreamboard". I find that Jamie's ideas about creating different kinds of dreamboards are truly fascinating, so today I've finally made my decision to make my own one. I must say, it's pretty small and poor since I don't have enough suitable pictures to describe my dreams, but they're on their way. The interesting thing was this: Three of my dreams include a large amount of money, proper education, and visiting Stonehenge. When I decided I wanted to eventually create my personal dreamboard, I found a couple of "National Geographic" and "Cosmopolitan" magazines. Well, I didn't expect to find what I was looking for in fashion and documentary journals, but when I grabbed them and looked through them... Surprise! The exact three pictures I needed! The dream job and the big check + the bookshelf for my education images from "Cosmopolitan", and a looong article about Stonehenge from "National Geographic". I've found a wonderful photo there. So my point is, that these magazines were two or three years old; I've got "National Geographic" from my boyfriend after I accidentally "bumped into" them at his place, all covered in dust. What I'm trying to say is, it wasn't а coincidence. Once I wanna do what I plan to do, I've got the whole Mother Universe giving me Her hand. Now I remember a posting on Jamie's site, about a woman who made her dreamboard, and on the next day she happened to sell her house, so that she could move into her new home. Like I said - fascinating. AND magical!!! :)
Usually it's messier, but who cares. Inspiration there is important, so I try to keep it. I love ladybugs!!! Can you see the little one next to the white candle and the red pen?:) Sorry for the pictures being a little blurred, but I'm a relatively new arriver in the world of photography ^_^
Today I had the extraordinary opportunity to touch someone's greatest creation. Usually I'm not the type of person who listens to hip-hop, or that "Yo!" stuff. Honestly, I've never liked it. OK, now I might be mellow, or even too short of strenght. I don't care, though. I'm thankful. I'm thankful to my sister for showing me one of the greatest talents I would miss out in my life, for I have seen and listened only the crap of this music. Today I saw a movie. Today a movie made me sit down and not move until I saw its end. To me Tupac Shakur was and always has been some kind of a distant figure that had died a long time ago, a very long time ago. It was all I knew. Today I've learned more. Humane always hurts me in some way. The non-humanity though makes me go insane. Well, this person showed me both. And what a capability it is, showing me even though he's gone for so long. I cannot say much now, for my thoughts still need to reorder in my head. All I know is, that he was great, and I'm saying this because of the fact that his life and his death were... hm, big. His life was big, so that his death must be. And it was - not the gunshot, but the way he was talking about it - about the moment life would leave him, the way people reacted. It was similar to the grief the world experienced when the King of Pop's heart stopped last year. Or with the Elvis' death. Or with Cobain's. I think humanity is facing upon a large number of tragedies oncoming, a lot of great people we are going to lose. It's strange. I've always wondered why Shakur's fans always act like he left the world just yesterday. The truth is, years after this loss he is still around. And he said it. He doesn't want to be forgotten. So this (probably) last wish is all done. The world remembers. I can't believe I was mourning, too. That's why I hate getting to know someone, no matter if he's a regular person or a man of art. Their lack is always devastating, no matter our efforts to calm down basing on the fact their art lives on. And I can't believe my chest hurt, and my eyes overflowed. It's a magic, since I've never listened to his music. Today I HEARD it, and that's all that's enough for me. I've been stating in front of the mirror that death is just another door, and we'll all be gone someday, and that it's just the order of nature, and it's all normal. So I started taking it more philosophically. Until this day, when I realized it wasn't over for me to suffer. I cannot say more, and I see my thoughts are really scattered. He left his decree, for us to do good and follow our dreams and ourselves, so when we do he well be reborn. That's his legacy and his message. Well, I'm not much of a fan to claim that I know it, but I saw just enough of him. And all I can do is admire and bow low down in his name. If I had only one chance to talk to him, I would say, "You've been here all this time. They couldn't kill you, they couldn't fail you. You never left this Earth. You never left."
1. My sweet little bunny running around 2. My sister's birthday party today 3. The morning coffee = milk *_* 4. Enigma music 5. The quiet atmosphere in the house when there's no one but me here 6. The book I'm reading these days 7. The sunny weather outside 8. My daily self-confidence exercise 9. The aroma sticks odor fragrance all over the place 10. Making myself pretty for the guests glitter-graphics.com
Yesterday me and Mom were talking about how the corporation she worked with was a source of making dreams come true. We two were supposed to say a number of dreams we had that the company could work for. We both made personal lists, and then we both read it. Her dreams were very nice - new car, home far away from here, huge salary every month... Mine were more abstract (well, I'm the abstraction itself!:) ). I wanted to keep my friends, to get annoyed less, to bring inspiration into my life, create my own environment of art, self-development, self-confidence, dream job, singing on a big stage, etc. And she just said, "Yours have to be big dreams." "They are!" "No, they have to be material." Oh god. They ARE material, but among them were others that weren't. What a big "mistake". In that particular moment I realized the big dreams aren't material. That's why they're big. The so called "abstract" wishes are the ones that make the sense of our lives. That's what wee gotta live for in first place. THEN comes all the material. (By the way, the suicidal guy was rich. And dead). This morning I stood up in front of the bathroom mirror and spoke to myself. Oh God, it's so relieving! For the first time in my life I was using the mirror as a contact tool, but using it for the whole of my life as a way to make yourself look pretty. And it was difficult for me to talk out loud. To me. But the things I've said, the affirmations... It brought tears to my eyes. Trust me, no one can encourage you the way you and only you can do. I couldn't believe I was actually talking. Then I couldn't believe I was saying those kind things to me. Then I couldn't believe I was actually believing them! At that precise moment I believed I remembered the little girl inside of me. I remembered her dreams and the world she lived in. It was beautiful, it was a fairytale. She was a child keeping her purity and wishful thinking away from the real world. My, the dreams she had! The hopes she kept every night while falling asleep! I can't believe one day a grown-up came and destroyed everything. I came. The today-me has a lot to apologize about and a lot damage to repair. I've realized I was here to make HER dreams come true. I was here to change reality by making it a fairytale. HER fairytale. Because you know, you mustn't live in reality just because it is real. It's not perfect. We deserve to dare ourselves to dream. We deserve perfection.
Two days ago a person living in my neighbourhood committed a suicide. Yesterday was his funeral. I truly can't understand this. If you're too weak to face life, this is not the only way out possible. I don't have any idea what kind of person you must be to poison yourself with gas from your car. Have you ever though that when someone wants to kill himself, he always plans the way? And it's sooo cold-blooded! For example, it goes like, "Oh, so now I'm gonna leave a note to my mom, saying I love her and it's not her fault, I'll also have to include my wife, my ex-wife, my children, and a notice to my bank creditors saying I'm sorry, but that my family will take care of my debts. After that, I'm gonna switch my alarm to wake me in 6 in the morning, so that my mom won't hear me, I'll go out, drag the gas hose in my room and let it spread the poison. Then I'll sit here and just wait for it to happen. Too bad mom's gonna find me, since I'm stupid enough to commit suicide in my very home. But... Oh, well, I won't be here to see it. She'll get over it." That's it. done. Some time around seven in the morning a horrible woman cry wakes up the whole neighbourhood. I didn't hear it though. My mom and sister did. They told me what happened. The next morning the funeral took place, and I've noticed that more people come to funerals than to weddings. It's strange. Tragedies gather them all, while happy events demand hypocrisy. But I'm not sure if people are truly sad either. There were many of them who didn't even know him, but I guess it's an all-time practice. However it's very stupid not to say "hi" when you meet him on the street, but mourn now he's not here anymore. That's also a two-faced attitude. The same day the funeral was held I was attending a meeting which was very important for my mom, because she works with a corporation offering products for beauty and health. The company's known as "Siberian Health", and it has many clients and consultants throughout the world. There I met other consultants, her friends, the two doctors (husband and wife) creators of the company, and the man who succeeded so much that he was a millionaire in a two years period of time. He talked with so much inspiration, with so much passion about the work and it's philosophy, that time passed too quickly to notice. And I've decided to do the job. Multi level marketing isn't easy, but it's wonderful from a financial, psychological and social point of view. This man made me come home and start planning my future. I realized I had scattered my dreams and everyday activities, so I was achieving simply nothing. I started making my moves more carefully, with the thought of success in my mind visions. And I'm not giving up no matter what. So, the day was pretty colourful and interesting. From a loss of life, through pain, and tears, and coffins, to laughter, belief, success, strength and inspiration, I think I've learned something. The millionaire destroyed desperation the dead man brought, what a change! Well, I guess light is all we see at the end of the day. :)
1. I got more fans on my Facebook page 2. My animals from HappyPets got more babies 3. I've organized all my activities for today 4. Lamb - One.mp3 5. I've discovered one more dimension of my creative personality 6. I'm more determined and self-confident 7. I've got the atmosphere needed to meditate 8. My bunny makes me happy 9. Coffee's always a good reason to be grateful 10. I've written in my blog
If someone tells me the different kinds of art are not connected, I would probably slap him in the face. When you read a book, you might find an urge to represent a scene from the book via photographing is occurring. Or when you're gazing at a breath-stopping nature sight you might want to describe it with words via art of writing. It's the same with me. I'm so into angels that no other person can be. One day I was looking through some statues and souvenirs at the city store. I was particularly searching for a statue of angel, some figurine I could put on my altar. And then I saw it. It was simply... perfect. The kind of statue that justified all my expectations and cravings. It represented an angel with huge, perfectly shaped wings, half-naked, long-haired, holding a beautiful girl in his arms. At that time I was obsessed with the idea of Gabriel, one of the four Archangels. He was the first character to lead me into the angelic world, and I had already started searching for my personal guardian angel. THIS figurine answered to all my researches. It wasn't missing anything. After a few days I was at home, looking through the pictures of angels I had downloaded from the Internet. And all of a sudden I bumped into a painting. Exactly the same as the figurine I saw earlier at the store. No doubt this was a sign. The slight difference between them was the figurine was not painted, it was made by some kind of metal, I think; looking a little reddish. I noticed the website of the artist was written on the picture, so I decided to check it out. When I did I went speechless. They were all there - the fairies, the angels, the wizards, the mythical creatures, and nature so dreamy. And the clothes, the mugs, the jewelery, the magic cards, the figurines!!!... She had depicted my mystical realms on this material dimension. Her angelic image became my inspiration for "Le Vol D'un Ange", and I'm just getting started. Thank you, Selina. It simply cannot be any better. It's simply perfect.
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For more information check out the world itself - http://www.selinafenech.com/
1. The full rest I got 2. The morning coffee 3. Watching my bunnny pet play and run around 4. Taking pictures with my loved one 5. Meeting with my best friend later today 6. Reading Jamie Ridler's blog and site 7. Listening to Celine Dion's most dreamable songs... God, she's a GODDESS!!! 8. Taking the daily shower with all the candles lit up 9. "Ten days have come and gone, ten days and I'm not alone..." (music) -- Celine Dion 10. Singing while preparing to go out!
By starting blogging I started bumping into very interesting people who also run blogs. There are some really cute sites attached to them. Today I've found one dedicated to gratefulness. Later after that I did something that I had to do a very long time ago despite my young age, and it was to defend my own personal territory and interests. I'll put it that way - life looks like a shop filled up to the top with zillion decisions. To start living, I pick some of the choices together with which I'll follow my path of success and creativity step by step. The interesting thing is, I really tried to treat nicely people who don't deserve it and who keep on using me without caring about the fact that I suffer from that. I've realized it - when life's a bitch, you can beat it only by being a bitch yourself. It's high time I stopped caring and tip-toeing around small and insignificant things that simply don't deserve my attention. So, I've made my list, and I'm back. Back in the game. The game of life.
I have this fear of doors. I don't mean I'm scared of the doors themselves, I'm simply disturbed about what could be standing on their other side. I have been having this feeling ever since I watched the movie "The Strangers". I believe the symbolism of the heavily locked door that's used as a partition between the victim and the mysterious attackers, which door somehow appears to be very easy to unlock (in the same mysterious way; anyway, they never explained how the intruders succeeded in doing it), was very strong and obvious. So I became obsessed with doors, especially with UNLOCKED and UNSAFE ones.
I started checking whether our front door is locked every now and then, and as I did, I would surely come back and check again, totally forgetting I just did.
Yesterday my boyfriend was staying at my place. We were watching "House M.D." and drinking some coffee. I had left my skype on, and my boyfriend's skype was off. It's important to mention that he lives alone, for his mother works in Italy, and his dad works in the capital. His brother studies there, too.
So, we were all alone, watching House and having fun, when suddenly I saw a notice popping up showing his skype signing in. I thought it was weird, so I asked him what he had done. However it turned out he hadn't touched it even once when he was home. Later he left, and I began to play with my bunny pet. After a while I checked my skype for any left messages, and there was one, from my boyfriend, saying, "go check out your front door". I thought he was just being caring, but when I got there and checked, it wasn't locked. I wondered if I just forgot to lock it, but I NEVER EVER forget such a thing. I just shrugged my shoulders and came back to chat. I wrote to him, but he didn't answer for 2 hours or so.
Then my phone rang, and it was him, saying he was at a cafe with a friend. I asked him how long he was out, and he replied he hadn't been at his home the whole time after he left my place. I shivered then. Something was happening for sure, and I didn't know what, and it was very ominous. Eventually I decided my boy was playing some kind of joke on me.
That night my boyfriend stayed with me because my mum was out at a party. I checked the door twice, and we went to sleep.
I woke up in the middle of the night. My phone was ringing, alarming me I had a message. I looked, and it said, "go to your computer". The number was hidden. I surely got the creeps, and went to see. It was again my boyfriend's skype. "Go and check your door...". It was 3 in the morning, and the message was sent two minutes ago. And my boyfriend was SURELY sleeping in my room. Well, THAT was awfully scary!!!
I slowly went out in the hall, still with the phone in my hand. Everything was quiet and still. The door looked alright. I got close, and looked through the peephole. It was dark outside, I could feel my breath hitting the door, for I was literally glued to it.
The landing outside was dark. I couldn't see a damn thing.
Suddenly my phone alarmed a message again. When I read it, I froze.
"Yes, I know you're on the other side of the door. I'm looking at the peephole right now. And, NO, THE DOOR'S NOT LOCKED!!!"
My breathing stopped. I tried to lock it slowly and quietly, so that whoever was outside wouldn't know. God... the locker was broken.
Holding my breath, I stepped away from the door, entered my room, and woke my boyfriend up. I told him what was going on, and we both went in the kitchen (it can be locked from inside), and stayed there. All of a sudden we heard the front door slowly cracking open. Hollow and heavy footsteps explored the hall, pacing their way to the kitchen door, and stopped. After a minute or so they continued their way to the living room, the bedroom, and my own room. We couldn't hear them anymore.
A few minutes later the intruder came back, completing the same route аs the first time. He was right there, in front of my kitchen door. We couldn't make a single move.
Then we heard a deep and creepy voice saying, "bye".
The steps made their way to the front door, and died away in silence. We both looked at each other, scared out of our minds. We quickly put on some clothes and went to his place, where we spent the rest of the night, with a safely locked door.
By the way, we looked through his skype, and there were no such messages sent to me. He tried to restore lost ones or deleted ones, but there was one big nothing.
I'm double scared now. Whoever that was, he knew my phone number, my skype name and my boyfriend's skype identification. He broke into my house. He knew exactly what scared me.
We got alarm system and a brave new iron door now, but to me it just isn't enough. Everytime I look at it, I think it's unlocked. And I expect him to come in any second. It hasn't happened until now, but who knows...
That's me on my birthday, reaching 20 years of age, with my little cousin Albena (she sure looks like an angel, doesn't she?:) ), and my little bunny, which was my present from my aunt, uncle, and her. The bunny's name is Goranka, but to me its a Mossie:))))
I often look at the categories in my blog and I find it suitable to combine some of them into one named "fiction". These are for example, "Angels", "Fantasy", "The Night Time". But something stops me. What gives me the right to call angels "fictional"? Or dreams? Or the fantasy realms? The truth is, "reality" is a very obscure conception. I don't know where the line between reality and fiction gets thinner or disappears completely, I don't know if even there is one. Human sight allows multiple and simultaneously existing beliefs and choices. Some may find the topic very tedious, but they got their own bets. To me, "fiction" isn't a word. It simply means nothing. There isn't a substance or an idea that cannot be real in some way. Moreover, material reality very often spoils things for the boundaries it has, so I don't think true experience is located there. Different realities exist through the different kinds of art mostly. Who says a photograph does not depict a past moment of a reality? What about book, music, and paintings? Sculptures are just another feature of the material reality, or a part of perspective fantasy. So when I say, "There are fairies", that means there ARE fairies, and you've got nothing left, but to believe me. And when you say, "I'm gonna build my own home", or "I'm gonna become a scientist", or "I wanna have five kids", that means you have already done it. They're already yours. This method reminds me of the brain storming / producing process, or of a simple psychological mood of your mind. But instead of repeating quotations you work directly with with your own creative inner half, achieving your goals only by contemplating a daisy, for instance. This I call, "Creating with Nature", or "Dragging Down the Stars" (I'll post some information about this practice later).
If you think you lack money / happiness / love / muse / home / family / guardian angel / pet / etc., well... MAKE yourself one! Go out in Nature and gain your personal energy for creating. And remember, "fictional" is not a word that explains non-existing things, outside or within your mind. The word "fiction" means nothing, for there isn't anything fictional.
God, sometimes it's the simplest thing on this Earth!!! I just can't believe it. When Inspiration comes, somehow all your problems and daily little hindrances fade away without a single trace. Like you've never had them. It's just amazing, that mechanism of things. Then I pass you by - the one I project only in the astral, not in the material space. And somehow... When Inspiration comes, you carve a window, stretch your arms, and you're here. And I can see balloons, butterflies, people smiling... Thank you. It's not the kind of Inspiration that makes you just create. It's the kind that makes you LIVE. In a creative state of mind, in all creative ways humanity knows. Life is Creation. Thank you, for you came. Inspiration came, and promised me miracles.
You use to light up the dark With your unrelenting spark It always put a fire in me
You use to say I'm the one The only ray of sun you could touch without the fear of burning
Well you use to try to please me Yeah you use to try to please me
Never said this would be easy Never said this would be easy
Well now, you tell her now While you hold her in your arms Are you pretending shes me?
Just alone I go Before you realize shes the one that you're going to lose anyway You just got there now you're leaving You just got there now you're leaving
Your sweet notes are deceiving Your sweet notes are deceiving
Well it ain't over till its over and my world shuts down But this comes close I'll have you know Its just a matter of time But it ain't over till its over but I won't be made a fool 'Cause leaving me the way you did was just so Unforgivable....
I have noticed something really interesting: when I am in a philosophical state of mind, the weather somehow becomes cooler and cloudy. I can smell the freshness of the air. I grab my raincoat and put it on, and stare through the window. Then it starts raining. I watch the raindrops rolling down the glass. It feels lonely. The room is empty. I'm in there, but it's still empty. So empty, like a black hole. It consumes me, and I become empty, too. Actually... There is nothing bad about being empty for a while. You can choose what to fill yourself with after that. A human being can be really tired sometimes. Like I am now. One can be worn out because of tiredness, helplessness, harmfulness, or hopelessness. Or all. I've been through all of this - love, pain, disappointment, expectations, illusions, friendship, laughter, crying, hoping, failing and rising again... And now I'm tired. I just want to rest. What is it so special about you that you don't ever come? And what is it so subtle about you that I can't ever sense you? Were you ever near? Were you ever here? Were you ever real?... I have so many questions about you. I want you to tell me about God. About Universe. About meaning. About love and creation. About purifying. Then I will know. Then I'll fulfill my life's purpose. When I say "angel", I see you. But it's strange, 'cause I don't know what you are. I think you're a warrior. A best friend. A lover. You're an angel. I sigh. How can a window, a street, a raindrop be so gray? Everything is gray today. "Thank you"! It's all because I'm searching for a meaning. It's hopeless. Nothing is happening and I feel bored. There's no point in searching. This is what it is - the way we see it. Hm, there's a feather in the window. It's pure white, and it's not wet at all, despite the rain. It's so white it's nearly sparkling. And it's just there. I close my eyes slowly. All of a sudden I feel calm. And weightless. It's a good feeling. No burden at all. I feel a warm breeze in the room. I open my eyes. There's someone behind me. I can see his (or her?) reflection on the window. I quickly turn around. It's a man. He is smiling. His face is woman-like, but his body is undoubtedly male, though very fragile-looking. His hair is blond, slightly curled, his eyes sparkling blue. He's toying with a same white feather in his left hand. Having sat comfortably on my kitchen table, he looks like he really feels at home, not showing any signs of leaving. Barefooted, his feet hanging freely from the table's edge, swinging back and forth in the air. I don't fear him. Strange. "You were calling me?", he said in a deep, soft, and husky voice. "I wasn't calling anybody." "Oh... yes, of course you were." He keeps staring at me. Not a single blink of his eyes. And he's smiling. "Don't pretend you don't know what I am." My eyes are questioning. I am not sure what to say. "I know what you are thinking", he continues, "and I want you to say it out loud. And say it clear." He's waiting. Do I dare?... His smile disappears, and his face becomes firm and strict. He's waiting... I get a little closer to him, wondering how to spell it out. "There is something about you", I say finally. "You look... weightless. And good. You seem like a really, really good... person. You're... You're just perfect. I think you're an angel." He smiles again, "I thought you'd never say it." Suddenly I can see a pair of wings appearing behind his back, slowly spreading open. They are absolutely huge, with sparkling, white feathers. This is the most gorgeous sight in my life! They cause a warm heat in the closed room. He spreads his arms towards me. "Come", he says. "Come here. Come to me." There is no way in the Universe I can hold my tears. In front of my sinful, spiritually poor and deprived human nature a divine power was acting. "I must be dreaming. Or hallucinating!" He thinks for a few seconds. "If that makes you feel comfortable, alright then. But as long as you breathe it is all true." I approach him slowly. I reach out for him, and the second I do he grabs my hand. "Do not be afraid! There is no way in the world I am hurting you." "What... who are you, exactly?" He's looking at me, obviously cheered up. Then he drags me closer. I can see tears in the blue. "You call me many things besides angel. A Warrior, a Messenger of God... But to you, my dearest child, I am a comfort provider, too. I am your guardian." Ok, now that's too much. "Do not think we are blind for your pain. We are always around, always near. I've held you safe so many times you cannot even imagine. We are here. And if people want to talk to us, they simply don't need to pull away. We know it hurts to be a human most of the time. But we are here to wipe out your tears and your pain. To tell you there is more than that. You just need to believe it." He pulls me closer and embraces me. His wings wrap me, and I feel I'm in a womb so safe nothing can harm me. His feathers were the softest, his arms - the warmest, most welcoming and comforting. He sang to me to calm me down, and I've listened to the songs about ancient times, miracles, and Heaven. That night I cried out all my tears, all my pain, all my hopelessness. I was empty. He refilled me with hope, and strength. And faith. And that was enough. ************ I woke up in the early morning. The sun was shining, but the ground was still wet. What a nice dream. Yes, because it was all a dream. I totally neglected the fact I was had slept on the kitchen floor. I stood up, disappointed. Then was when I saw the white feather on the table. I couldn't help, but smile as I picked it. It wasn't a dream after all. "I hope you won't be gone for too long", I said quietly. "But no, you were never gone. You were always here".
After all, who can blame me for being weak sometimes? Who can blame anyone?! But now it was okay. Now I knew there was someone watching over me...
Have you ever wondered where hope comes from? We all know it is the last thing that dies. But why? And why is it so tragic to lose it? I dream of angels. When there's nothing I can do or hoper for, I only hope I can reach them. Imagine the world was empty as many of us depict it! It would be hopeless. Sometimes when I sit alone I wonder what it would be like if every single materialist on this Earth was right. And guess what?! Nothing good comes out from it! What if everything in this world was exactly as we see it? And just think about what we see or experience every single day! Very early mornings, work, traffic, pollution, stress, cigarettes, plenty of black coffee, family fights, shortage of money, bills to pay, too long days and too short nights or just the opposite... The list is endless. So it is understandable if one totally goes insane. Or hopeless. It is just enough to feel this kind of hopelessness a few times to get sick or scared, to get uncontrollably desperate. And with all our "wisdom" we call that state of mind "growing up", or "being an adult"! Well, you can name it Escapism if you want, or the Peter Pan Syndrome, but I see magic everywhere. I think every single beautiful thing, no matter how simple can be a source of inspiration. Like a flying bird, for example. Or a flying kite. Or a green forest. Or the rain. Sunrise and sunset. A butterfly. Or a child playing. Or candles. And laughter. Or just a cup of coffee. Or loneliness. Pain could be an inspiration, too. Or poetry. Or summer. Or music. Or a gentle little flower. Or... Did you notice something? All the things I just numbered are creations of Nature. Of God (or The Great Mystery, if you prefer). It's a perfect plan. No one can question it. Mother Nature is a Goddess. She heals wounds. She makes you breathe calmly. She helps you connect with your inner true self. Stop pretending. Go out and hug a tree. Kiss the rain. Caress the flowers. Spring is coming. Your chance is now. I've been studying and practicing the Craft for 4 years. Recently I happen to daydream more often, no matter my material obligations. And I wish Doreen Virtue was right. I wish Konstantinos was right. I wish Silver Raven Wolf was right. I wish Tolkin and J.K. Rowling were right! You call it Escapism, or Peter Pan Syndrome, or whatever you want. But I believe in fairies, angels (mostly!), unicorns, elves, magicians, ancient secrets, elementals, and Nature. I believe they exist. They're just not here. We just can't see them. If you think about it often and start visualizing, probably you will feel them. I may sound foolish right now, but I don't care. If you're a superstitious one, why not believe in magic?! So, next time you come across a ring of mushrooms, or a tree with a strange shape, or a pure white feather that seems to have come from nowhere... Do not pass it by! These are signs of the magic's existence. And its children being real. Because they truly exist. And they must be here. Somewhere. We just can't see them.
If I had the chance, love I would not hesitate To tell you all the things I never said before Don't tell me it's too late
[Chorus:] Cause I've relied on my illusions To keep me warm at night But I denied in my capacity to love I am willing, to give up this fight
I've been up all night drinking To drown my sorrow down Nothing seems to help me since you went away I'm so tired of this town Where every tongue is wagging When every back is turned Their telling secrets that should never be revealed There's nothing to be gained from this But disaster.. Here's a good one.. Did you hear about my friend He's embarrassed to be seen now because we all know his sins
If I had the chance love You know, I would not hesitate To tell you all the things I never said before Don't tell me it's too late
[Chorus:] Cause I've relied on my illusions To keep me warm at night But I denied in my capacity to love I am willing, to give up this fight Oh, I am willing to give up this fight..
All the fear has left me now I'm not frightened anymore It's my heart that pounds beneath my flesh it's my mouth that pushes out this breath and if I shed a tear I won't cage it I won't fear love and if I feel a rage I won't deny it I won't fear love Companion to our demons they will dance, and we will play With chairs, candles, and cloth making darkness in the day It will be easy to look in or out upstream or down without a thought and if I shed a tear I won't cage it I won't fear love and if I feel a rage I won't deny it I won't fear love Peace in the struggle to find peace comfort on the way to comfort and if I shed a tear I won't cage it I won't fear love and if I feel a rage I won't deny it I won't fear love I won't fear love I won't fear love...
Find Me Here Speak To Me I want to feel you I need to hear you You are the light That's leading me To the place where I find peace again.
You are the strength, that keeps me walking. You are the hope, that keeps me trusting. You are the light to my soul. You are my purpose...you're everything.
How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you? Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
You calm the storms, and you give me rest. You hold me in your hands, you won't let me fall. You steal my heart, and you take my breath away. Would you take me in? Take me deeper now?
How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you? Would you tell me how could it be any better than this? And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you? Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
Cause you're all I want, You're all I need You're everything,everything You're all I want your all I need You're everything, everything. You're all I want you're all I need. You're everything, everything You're all I want you're all I need, you're everything, everything.
And How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you? Would you tell me how could it be any better than this? How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you? Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you? Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
And she pours herself another cup of coffee As she contemplates the stain across the wall and it's in between the cleaning and the washing That's when looking back's The hardest part of all
And she always did her best to try and please him While he always did his best to make her cry And she got down on her knees to stop him leaving But he always knew one day he'd say goodbye
Where are your friends Where are your children Is this your house Is this your home Does nothing ever last forever Does everybody sleep alone
And he tears the business tags from his old suitcase As he packs away the pieces of his life They all love him but they always try to change him That's what happens when a girl becomes a wife
And she pours herself another cup of coffee As the pictures leave a clean space on the wall and it's in between the leaving and the loving That's when looking back's The hardest part of all
Where are your friends Where are your children Is this your house Is this your home Does nothing ever last forever Does everybody sleep alone
Don't look back Don't give up Pour yourself another cup
I've been here all the time As far as I know doing right I've always waited for the moment That you would come through my door But this brought loneliness so far I lay my hand onto my heart Is this the life I want to live Is this the dream I had of you?
But this brought loneliness so far I lay my hand onto my heart Is this the life I want to live Is this the dream I had of you... the dream I had of you?
Now I'm standing here alone I'm waiting on my own For something that will fill the emptiness inside The moment that you're mine But this is loneliness I know I lay my hand onto my soul Is this what life has got to give Is this the dream I had of you... The dream I had of you?
But this is loneliness I know I lay my hand onto my soul Is this what life has got to give? Is this the dream, the dream I had of you?
I've been here all the time As far as I know doing right I've always waited for the moment That you would come through my door But this brought loneliness so far I lay my hand onto my heart Is this the life I want to live Is this the dream I had of you?
But this brought loneliness so far I lay my hand onto my heart Is this the life I want to live Is this the dream I had of you... the dream I had of you?
Now I'm standing here alone I'm waiting on my own For something that will fill the emptiness inside The moment that you're mine But this is loneliness I know I lay my hand onto my soul Is this what life has got to give Is this the dream I had of you... The dream I had of you?
But this is loneliness I know I lay my hand onto my soul Is this what life has got to give? Is this the dream, the dream I had of you?
That's not the beginning of the end That's the return to yourself The return to innocence Love - Devotion Feeling - Emotion Love - Devotion Feeling - Emotion Don't be afraid to be weak Don't be too proud to be strong Just look into your heart my friend That will be the return to yourself The return to innocence If you want, then start to laugh If you must, then start to cry Be yourself don't hide Just believe in destiny Don't care what people say Just follow your own way Don't give up and use the chance To return to innocence That's not the beginning of the end That's the return to yourself The return to innocence Don't care what people say Follow just your own way Follow just your own way Don't give up, don't give up To return, to return to innocence. If you want then laugh If you must then cry Be yourself don't hide Just believe in destiny.
(Curly M.C./F.Gregorian/David Fairstein) (Latin) Procedamus in pace In nomine Christi, Amen
(Let us go forth in peace In the name of Christ, So be it)
(Latin)Cum angelis et pueris, fideles inveniamur
(We shall find the faithful in the company of angels and children)
(Latin)Attollite portas, principes, vestras et elevamini, portae aeternales et introibit rex gloriae Qius est iste Rex glorie?
(Lift up ye heads o ye glorious gates, and be ye lifted up ye everlasting doors, and the king of glory shall come in. Who is the king of glory? )
(French) Sade dit moi Sade donne moi
(Sade tell me Sade give me)
(Latin)Procedamus in pace In nomine Christi, Amen
(Shall we proceed in peace In the name of Christ, Amen)
(French) Sade dit moi qu'est ce que tu vas chercher ? le bien par le mal la vertu par le vice Sade dit moi pourquoi l' 'evangile du mal ? quelle est ta religion ou` sont tes fide`les ? Si tu es contre Dieu, tu es contre l'homme
(Sade tell me what is it that you seek? The rightness of wrong The virtue of vice Sade tell me why the Gospel of evil ? What is your religion? Where are your faithful? If you are against God, you are against man)
(French) Sade dit moi pourquoi le sang pour le plaisir ? Le plaisir sans l'amour. N'y a t'il plus de sentiment dans le culte de l'homme ?
(Sade tell me why blood for pleasure? Pleasure without love? Is there no longer any feeling in man's Faith?)
(French) Sade es-tu diabolique ou divin?
(Sade are you diabolical or divine?)
(French) Sade dit moi Hosanna Sade donne moi Hosanna Sade dit moi Hosanna Sade donne moi Hosanna
(Sade tell me Hosanna Sade give me Hosanna Sade tell me Hosanna Sade give me Hosanna)
(Latin) In nomine Christi, Amen
(In the name of Christ, Amen)
Friday, 15 January 2010
You Scored as Nature
Your the Nature Goddess. You protect the woods and care about all of its creatures. Besides having a green thumb you also can control plants and somewhat of the earth below them. Hunters don't come near your woods because otherwise they'll get struck with an arrow.
Nature
65%
Air
60%
Water
60%
Light
50%
Fire
50%
Dark
0%
You Scored as Nymph
You are a Nymph. You are too beautiful to look upon almost. A lesser man would go insane from setting eyes on your beauty. You are also one with nature and live to love the woods and the world around you. You do not fight and hate wars for you are a peaceful creature. People are drawn to your beautiful voice as you sing during your day and everybody wants to be your friend.
